[Copy of a dispatch posted on The San Francisco Chronicle’s Yelp page @11:15am, Friday, January 29, 2021].
Our Demands Are The Following:
- Esther Mobley and Soleil Ho, the chief wine and food critics for The San Francisco Chronicle, should attend an unspecified number of unofficial yelp.com events in Santa Cruz , California starting in summer 2021 once outdoor and indoor dining options are available, and organized by multiple time Yelp Elite back badge holder, Bradley N., (yelpwhisperer.yelp.com) founding member #007 of the Merlot Liberation Front (January 20, 2020 – Present).
- Esther and Soleil also should cover these events in their respective columns in The San Francisco Chronicle and contribute posts on social media.
- The San Francisco Chronicle’s editorial board should offer Bradley N. a freelance job covering the intersection of California hiking adventure, wine tasting, and budget travel.
- Elon Musk should deliver a brand new, black Tesla Model S to an undisclosed location hidden deep within the redwoods of the Santa Cruz Mountains. Personally deliver, we mean.
- Either Netflix, Amazon Studios or Apple TV+ should agree to option the screenplay, “Driving Miss Mobley,” for a mutually agreed upon sum. But at least six figures, we’re thinking.
- And Alexander Payne should agree to direct it.
- For free.
- Matt Damon should be hired to play the character of Boke. And Shailene Woodley must agree to be Miss Mobley, and ideally Reese Witherspoon would be Penelope and Awkwafina would play Soleil.
- And each one of the women should receive at least three time more than what Damon gets.
- Also, we want jeroboam-sized bvottles of the most recent 10 vintages of Duckhorn Three Palms Merlot. Because we’re really thirsty, and our numbers are growing. Daily.
- A framed and signed copy of Esther’s award-winning Renaissance Winery article, and a free trip with her on the Napa Wine Train.
- A framed and signed copy of Soleil’s review of La Calenda in Yountville, and a free meal with her at the French Laundry.
- Signed, first-edition copies of Rex Pickett’s Sideways trilogy (Sideways, Vertical, Sideways 3: Chile). And an advanced copy of The Archivist. In case it’s any good.
- A personal meeting with Governor Newsom at his winery. Well, at one of them, whichever he chooses. Tell Nancy and the VP that they can come, too.
(a) If our demands are not met by February 1, 2021, we will hang the Jensen Pinot from an old-growth redwood, and we will let banana slugs consume its remains.
(b) If our demands are not met by February 7, 2021, the 2014 Littorai Platt Vineyard Pinot will be shot, and we will bury its bottle somewhere in the Purisima Creek Redwoods Open Space Preserve that only we know about, because it’s not on one of the main trails that casual visitors frequent. And that 2014 vintage is the last of its kind, because the vineyard has been sold.
(c) If our demands are not met by February 14, 2021 (aka Valentine’s Day), the 2015 Bedrock Wine Co. Hirsch Vineyard sparkling Pinot will be strapped with an explosive belt and detonated, and the juncos and jays will feast on its entrails. And that bottle of Under the Wire wine ain’t all that cheap, neither.
Resistance is futile. Delay is not advisable, unless you want to see more Pinots get hurt. And we haven’t even gotten started on the Anderson Valley hostages, yet. Don’t be responsible for a viniferous massacre. Don’t.
Signed, Commandate Paloma, founding member #001, on behalf of the Merlot Liberation Front.
We will use this WordPress account for all future negotiations.
Time is of the essence.
Signed, Commandante Paloma, founding member #001, on behalf of the Merlot Liberation Front.
MAKE MERLOT GREAT AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!